I grew up getting molested by my family's friends. I feel awkward these days because I have to greet them every time I come face to face with them. How do you forgive seven years? Do you just forgive it so easily? How do I get over the fact that one of them was a friend of my brother's, who had a crush on my sister, and used me in the most isolated years of my life. How do I get over the fact that they threatened to touch my little sister if I didn't let them get away? We didn't have much food when I was younger, so they also gave food. I didn't eat any of it because I wanted my parents and siblings to get fed instead. I thought I had to grow up. I didn't talk much for those years of my life either. I didn't find it worth it when I had tried to convince them of what was going on at the time. The first time I confessed it happened I was kicked out the house for a day. Because I was 4 and it didn't seem right to leave a kid on the street. I gained a drinking problem over those years. These days, I regret it.
I had a boyfriend when I was 15. I was a romantic and I thought I had found a shoulder to lean on. He cheated on me, and told me he was raped. My heart shattered for him. I waited weeks for him to confess the truth, but he never did. It took me 2 years to open my heart up again. I had another boyfriend at the age of 17 for about 6 months. The entire time we dated, I knew he was cheating on me. But I sat aside. I thought I could win his heart back by giving him my virginity. No big deal, right? I've already had worse done to me. I picked up drinking again around the time of our break up. I had a bartender friend during my high school years who supported my wanting to emotionally float away. I was raped a couple times last year. I still can't talk about it because I still sob uncontrollably over it.
I drank more. It was my 1st semester. I turned 18 last year. I ended up in the hospital. Blacked out. Arrested. Confused. Broken.
I have many sisters. One who looked at me from the hospital chair as I laid there, and said, "You were drinking too much." She smirked. The entire time I was getting molested, the guy was only looking at her. Forcing his evil onto me because she rejected him in a cruel manner. And it broke him. I can't stand the taste of alcohol anymore. It reminds me of why I drank in the first place. It reminds me of the stink of how broken I remain. I wish I could float back to Earth, but how do you live when when you close your eyes all you see is them.
People tell me I'm beautiful. Pretty. A kind soul, But my eyes are hollowed to that.
No one believes I'm sick 8 months out of the year.every year.
I had another asthma attack last night. It took me about an hour and a half to find my inhaler. I freaked out. Panicked.
My insurance wouldn't cover hospital bills... if I needed to stay there. Sometimes my body gives up on me. My leg turns to boiling blood and it overloads with pain. I used to be suicidal. I am suicidal again. But I don't want to take that way out.
How can I live my dream as a writer if I so easily give up? My parents hate my writing. Hate my music. Hate my love for language and instruments. I'm broken. Not quite bitter, and I can't hate anyone. If you're still reading. Let me add on more.
I had a 4.0 coming out of high school with no scholarships. I found that strange, and then I found out my mother had hidden the liberal arts colleges' mail. I received a lot of scholarships. The school they trapped me into going. I pay for myself. and now I have no way of paying for it. I'm getting kicked out not because I'm incompetent, but because I can't pay. I thought I could fix it myself. So I had a job. But my parents called in accusing them , in order to trap me back into unemployment. So I tried to apply for 200 jobs every week until I got responses. I didn't have a cell phone for a while.so my resume still had my home phone..which meant my parents could easily ignore the calls or hang up. I felt. unwanted and insufficient. These days, I can't eat for days. Or sleep for fear that I will die in my sleep. Or forget to breathe as I often do.
When I close my eyes, I remember.
I remember blackmail, I remember hospitals, I remember ....nothing, sometimes.
Is it a sin to be alive when it hurts your soul to stay?
Posted on 05.03.2013, 14:54:38 CET