Man, our neighbors two houses down are getting on my nerves in a major way! It has just barely gotten warm again, and they're already putting on garden parties that last into the night. There's no getting any sleep; with the wind just right, the smoke from their burnt sausages on the grill wafts into the bedroom and hangs there all night long. But the worst is, they are such loud a-holes. Neighbors complained, but that only helped temporarily. I have now acquired a strong water pump and downloaded rolling thunder noises from the internet. You know what happened next: last Friday, I turned on the pump, positioned the hose and turned on the thunder with my big loudspeaker. The drunk broads started to scream and everybody ran inside. You could still hear them, but it was muffled. A couple of days later, I met the neighbor in front of the house and he said, thank goodness it rained, we needed it, the ground was fart-dry. I'll let a little time go by, and, if they get loud again, I'm going to play weather god. I beg forgiveness and indulgence.
My girlfriend left me because I went to bed with another. No need to go into detail, what a bad person I am and so on, except maybe to mention that she cheated on me several times before, too. Over the years, we always had our little tiffs, but we managed to patch it all up, time and again. Except this time. My car is parked in an underground garage with only card access. My newly ex-girlfriend is kind of crazy, so I am guessing it was she who trashed my car with some sort of object, most likely a baseball bat. I'll probably wind up having to eat the damage, though I reported her to the police; but they weren't terribly interested and couldn't find any proof. For a while they even suspected me as the perpetrator. And the comprehensive insurance policy is not paying up for the same reason. A whole week I pondered how I could pay my ex back and I came up with some really dumb ideas. Most of them, unfortunately, were illegal and dangerous. Faced with the choice, I decided I'd best do something that, while illegal, wasn't dangerous and funny to boot.
I rode to the home improvement center (by bus) and bought a ton of superglue. Taking it with me yesterday evening, I rode to her new apartment, kind of broke in, which was easy enough given that she never locks up, and I glued all her shoes to the floor of her shoe closet. Then on to all the cups in the back of the cupboard, the blanket on her bed, a kitchen chair to the floor, a half-eaten steak to the plate it was left on and the plate in turn to the kitchen table. I glued her old glasses into the glass case, the portable heater to the bathroom floor, all her cosmetic articles to one another; and the bathroom mat to the floor, so that she wouldn't slip when she jumps out of the shower enraged because the hand-held shower head is stuck to its holder. The toilet cover to the toilet seat, the telephone receiver to the cradle.I actually was going to glue her acoustic guitar in its case, but then took pity on the instrument. Her best friend just called to ask me if I had anything loose in my attic. I had a pretty good laugh at that.
I'm (m/25) not very good with kids. It shows in various ways, for instance, I won't do that stupid baby talk, but I talk with kids normally just as with adults and I usually also tell it like it is. A couple of years ago, I had just left the university campus and on the way had stopped in a supermarket to buy beer, a young (pretty good-looking) mother and her little son queued up behind me. He was just old enough to walk and say a few words, and he was bouncing back and forth between the overpriced sweets next to the check-out counter and his mama. I had just paid, and there was the little rascal, looking up at me, pulling on my jacket, and asking "Papa"? I was in shock for a moment before concluding that he was wrong. Before answering, as calm as could be I looked his mother up and down (she was waiting to see how I would react) and then said: "Sorry, little guy, that's something I certainly would have remembered." Apparently, that's not what she had expected; she stood there, fixed to the spot and blushing. The cashier started to laugh out loud, and I went home, grinning.
I've got to unburden myself of something, too: I study in USA and to that end became a renter in an elderly lady's house, whose ad I found on the internet. To be exact, I lived in her garden shed. After everything started out fine with her, gradually it turned out that the old lady, who herself lived in the house, was a right nasty, disturbed, paranoid beast, who constantly terrorized her renters. Always discreetly via e-mail, I was accused of just about every imaginable wrongdoing ranging from theft to dishonesty. To keep my blood pressure down, I'll spare you the details here. After two months of psychological terror, I had enough of this nonsense and gave my notice, but not without leaving her a little present: the old lady always solicited her poor renters on a well-known internet portal. When she opens it now, she's automatically routed to a wild anal-fetishist web page. She shouldn't have always left her PC unattended.
I (m/25) played a prank on a co-worker (m/52) that wound up giving me a bad case of remorse. I should add that we don't have a problem with each other and that we frequently kid around. On Friday, half an hour before the start of the weekend, I smushed his telephone receiver on his stamp pad. Luck would have it that as usual someone called him and he was on the phone 10 -15 minutes for sure. His sideburns and his entire ear were a really beautiful green. Unlucky for him, too, he then left 5 minutes early, with the result that nobody encountered him on the way to the car and he drove off like that. I confess this here now, because, considered in hindsight, even I found this prank to be very much borderline.