I never respected my dad. He is very racist and mean. I always think he tries to be a good role model, but he doesn't. He still acts like a little boy. He's cheated on my mom and he still has intercourse with my mom. I know I have sinned for being a rotten dirt bag for my parents.
When I was 12 years old, I had this neighbor that always told my parents when I misbehaved behind their backs. I hated that neighbor so much, and wanted my revenge. So, I started putting bags of dog poop in his mailbox. I did it for 3 weeks until finally, I decided to do something more extravagant. I attempted to put dog poop in his mailbox then setting it on fire while it was in there. The fire burned his mailbox down. When asked about it, I said I seen some kid from down the street do it. I'm 24 and I still have never told anyone that it was actually me who did it.
My confession is this, that my sister and I are strangers to each other. That sounds unbelievably brutal, but the reasons are manifold. It's because of this: since childhood, we have not been able to get along with each other for shit. Although several attempts to become closer came from my side, I tried, I bent over backwards, she gave nothing back, it just became worse. We finally grew up and each went our separate ways. At family parties we remained civil with each other, but she never managed to hide her obvious loathing. Perhaps it was because I had friends, was good at school, a really nice child (without wanting to big myself up too much) she was none of those. But nothing helped, she never opened herself up to me and I avowed myself the culprit for a long time. That means, I thought I was perhaps too arrogant, not understanding enough, too much in my own world. One day she rang me up and declared that she was coming to visit. I was nervous, since such communication was exceptional. But I was looking forward to it, I thought this is the moment when we will finally sit down together as adults and be able to end this madness.
However I had not counted on the chaos that she would leave behind, which I have been reeling from for a long time. She was moving in with me. She had lost her job, again. She then completely ignored me and slowly but surely started to stir up people in my friendship group against me. God knows she isn't stupid. She befriended them, told them what a cruel child I had been, how after the death of our father I was completely uninterested in the family tragedy, how I was this, that and the other. I noticed that some friends were looking at my funny, but I didn't think anything of it. At a Christmas party it became apparent to me that her dislike of me had taken on a completely new form: she kissed my boyfriend, I caught them in the act, she had probably also planned that. You all surely think I flipped out upon finding that, to my horror, my own sister was my enemy. Not at all. I even felt relief. It was made clear to me: all the years that I blamed myself, put the responsibility on myself for our destroyed relationship, are gone. In that moment I was freed from all feelings of guilt, I finally accepted that just because we are sisters doesn't mean we must be friends. I also felt sorry for her because she put the blame on me for her chaotic life and thought that if she took my friends, kissed my boyfriend and left me in chaos, that it would make something better. I also said it like that to her; she left without a word. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate her. I would like to be friends with her one day perhaps, but she must make the first move. I have finally sorted out the chaos she left behind her. But more importantly to me: just because the same blood flows in our veins, does not mean that I must carry this cross, nor that I should carry guilt around. It is very sad, but I feel free, and I will live my life without her.
Some of the things are sins like self harm, and not forgiving, but not much of it. I'm a teenage girl and I feel like I'd be better off dead. In the previous school I attended,I was bullied and now I'm at big school and my life has gotten worse. I found a new friend and she said stuff behind my back and made stuff up about me. My best friend joined in with her but I didn't find out until a month later. I had no friends. I self harm and have since I was 12. I told my one friend and she and others have told each other. I have no idea how many people know. I feel alone and unwanted even though I've met some new people from school but I still feel alone and as if they pity me. I'm the one everyone tells their secrets to. I have their weight and my own on my back, in which every day it gets heavier. I have the symptoms of depression too but only I know and you guys who actually listened. Sorry if any of this doesn't make sense, I don't ether. I wish I could forgive them but its too hard.
When I was 10 years old, I lived with my mother and older brother in a rented house inside a bad neighborhood. Our mother was very neglectful.She would lock us in our rooms, sometimes we wouldn't eat dinner for days. We only went out to go to school, really. For me, school has always been a living hell. I was made fun of, hated and ignored. One night my mom went out and left me and my brother alone. A common occurrence, my brother started acting strange. We got in a fight. I forgot what it was about, but he grabbed a knife, chased me around the house, and screamed that our mother abandoned us, and it would be better if she did. Eventually, he backed me up into my room pressed a knife to my throat and started crying, saying that she would only cares about herself, she abandoned me etc. I started to get angry, how dare he thinks that he is the only one in pain, and he is the only one abandoned, and suddenly I didn't even care about the knife, or that he was probably having a mental breakdown. I screamed "She abandoned me too"! He was astounded at my exclamation, dropped the knife, and held me, and we cried all night. But before, when he had me backed up against the wall and he had the knife against my throat, I thought "I want him to kill me, I want it to be over" and I felt awful! To want my own brother to end my life!