I, as a person, have a tendency to lie, cheat, and manipulate. I'm secretive, and I make up excuses. There is no other way to put it. I'm unreliable, hide certain things and manipulate people. I also live in my imagination, an opinion of what I want the world to be. Reality matters not to me, because I've found a better substitute. I find nothing wrong with the things I do in the real world, and my own mind. I am a shady, insane, and a poor excuse for a human being.
When I was 10 years old, I lived with my mother and older brother in a rented house inside a bad neighborhood. Our mother was very neglectful.She would lock us in our rooms, sometimes we wouldn't eat dinner for days. We only went out to go to school, really. For me, school has always been a living hell. I was made fun of, hated and ignored. One night my mom went out and left me and my brother alone. A common occurrence, my brother started acting strange. We got in a fight. I forgot what it was about, but he grabbed a knife, chased me around the house, and screamed that our mother abandoned us, and it would be better if she did. Eventually, he backed me up into my room pressed a knife to my throat and started crying, saying that she would only cares about herself, she abandoned me etc. I started to get angry, how dare he thinks that he is the only one in pain, and he is the only one abandoned, and suddenly I didn't even care about the knife, or that he was probably having a mental breakdown. I screamed "She abandoned me too"! He was astounded at my exclamation, dropped the knife, and held me, and we cried all night. But before, when he had me backed up against the wall and he had the knife against my throat, I thought "I want him to kill me, I want it to be over" and I felt awful! To want my own brother to end my life!
I work the night shift at my job, and it just so happens that I don't like any of my coworkers. Since we work 24 hours a day there is a refrigerator in our office. Every day people come in and complain that the stuff they leave in the refrigerator comes up missing. Never a lot at once. Just small stuff like one bottles of water or a single piece of fruit. I often let them know who I think is behind it and tell them why I think that person is the culprit. The truth is I lied. It's me. I never eat anything. I just take it to a different office and throw it away. That's my way of punishing everyone in the office for being such assholes.
I can't help but remember how people have bullied me in the past, and I think about wanting to repeatedly stab them or poison them, or kill them in any brutal way. I want them all suffer. How dare they make fun of my sexuality! How dare they! I hope they burn in hell.
I am young by most standards, yet old enough to have lived. I was a soldier and then a private contractor, actively engaged in top secret counter terrorism missions most of my young adult life, until I met the love of my life to whom I am now married. I came home for a vacation, and there she was in a local store in my hometown. I had lived in hell all of my life, and then having seen most of the terrible things the world has to offer, she stood.
On our second day as newlyweds, I was pulled over by a police officer in my home town who informed me. He felt entitled to be with my wife, as he had previously been pursuing her on a romantic level.
It wasn't a week into being a newlywed, that we had packed our things and sold our home, heading for a new horizon, when we were stopped at gunpoint, searched and arrested at the airport. I was formally charged with sexual assault and allegedly had slept with two underage women a matter of a week prior. After being released from prison under the condition I stay in my home until after a trial, my faith in our system that I have fought and lost brothers in, began to crumble. My wife and I had lost our home, savings, friends, dignity and our careers to the allegation. However, our lawyer found the lack of evidence regarding the claims to be outstanding and approached a court to dismiss the charges.
Of course, the only officer who appeared to challenge dropping the charges was the very same officer who had previously confronted me about his wanting to be with my wife. The charges were dropped and 22 hours later, I was arrested again at gunpoint by the same officer and his detachment and charged with the same offense, involving a new individual. Since the charges have been laid, I remained in a maximum security prison for 6 months. I was allowed out of prison on a jail so high. Both my wife and my parents had to borrow to post it, and the conditions do not allow me to leave the inside of my home. Not for work, for groceries or even a haircut. I have not stepped on fresh grass, seen anything past my front lawn or communicated with another person other than my wife in 3 years. Now, awaiting trial. A trial for something, that never happened.
And so now my confession. With extensive and unique training in combat, intelligence, and warfare techniques and tactics I have further trained while locked inside my cage, every day for three years. I have taken the training I previously had, and fine tuned myself to live, breath and sleep preparing for war, right here at home. The confession I offer is not a premeditation of any action, but for forgiveness and some light of compassion to shine through inside me where only a terrible fire now burns. Do I punish those who destroyed the world of so many people I love for no just cause? Do I punish those who are sworn to protect us yet failed? Do I punish myself? God, grant me the serenity to not engage in the acts for which I feel are mandatory at this time. I have sworn to eliminate enemies both foreign and domestic. I need a life. I have taken life as I was ordered to do by my Country, now mine has been taken away for no cause. I need to see the outside. I need to breath or feel something, anything. Do I take the life of the girls who are helping the crooked police with their story? Who must pay? I have paid a price someone else sin. I did not do these things, and vengeance is due.