I need to confess, I've watched way too much porn and self gratification took place. I've also told numerous white lies and cuss way too mulch. I also seem to have severe road rage and need to be more patient.
I grew up getting molested by my family's friends. I feel awkward these days because I have to greet them every time I come face to face with them. How do you forgive seven years? Do you just forgive it so easily? How do I get over the fact that one of them was a friend of my brother's, who had a crush on my sister, and used me in the most isolated years of my life. How do I get over the fact that they threatened to touch my little sister if I didn't let them get away? We didn't have much food when I was younger, so they also gave food. I didn't eat any of it because I wanted my parents and siblings to get fed instead. I thought I had to grow up. I didn't talk much for those years of my life either. I didn't find it worth it when I had tried to convince them of what was going on at the time. The first time I confessed it happened I was kicked out the house for a day. Because I was 4 and it didn't seem right to leave a kid on the street. I gained a drinking problem over those years. These days, I regret it.
I had a boyfriend when I was 15. I was a romantic and I thought I had found a shoulder to lean on. He cheated on me, and told me he was raped. My heart shattered for him. I waited weeks for him to confess the truth, but he never did. It took me 2 years to open my heart up again. I had another boyfriend at the age of 17 for about 6 months. The entire time we dated, I knew he was cheating on me. But I sat aside. I thought I could win his heart back by giving him my virginity. No big deal, right? I've already had worse done to me. I picked up drinking again around the time of our break up. I had a bartender friend during my high school years who supported my wanting to emotionally float away. I was raped a couple times last year. I still can't talk about it because I still sob uncontrollably over it.
I drank more. It was my 1st semester. I turned 18 last year. I ended up in the hospital. Blacked out. Arrested. Confused. Broken.
I have many sisters. One who looked at me from the hospital chair as I laid there, and said, "You were drinking too much." She smirked. The entire time I was getting molested, the guy was only looking at her. Forcing his evil onto me because she rejected him in a cruel manner. And it broke him. I can't stand the taste of alcohol anymore. It reminds me of why I drank in the first place. It reminds me of the stink of how broken I remain. I wish I could float back to Earth, but how do you live when when you close your eyes all you see is them.
People tell me I'm beautiful. Pretty. A kind soul, But my eyes are hollowed to that.
No one believes I'm sick 8 months out of the year.every year.
I had another asthma attack last night. It took me about an hour and a half to find my inhaler. I freaked out. Panicked.
My insurance wouldn't cover hospital bills... if I needed to stay there. Sometimes my body gives up on me. My leg turns to boiling blood and it overloads with pain. I used to be suicidal. I am suicidal again. But I don't want to take that way out.
How can I live my dream as a writer if I so easily give up? My parents hate my writing. Hate my music. Hate my love for language and instruments. I'm broken. Not quite bitter, and I can't hate anyone. If you're still reading. Let me add on more.
I had a 4.0 coming out of high school with no scholarships. I found that strange, and then I found out my mother had hidden the liberal arts colleges' mail. I received a lot of scholarships. The school they trapped me into going. I pay for myself. and now I have no way of paying for it. I'm getting kicked out not because I'm incompetent, but because I can't pay. I thought I could fix it myself. So I had a job. But my parents called in accusing them , in order to trap me back into unemployment. So I tried to apply for 200 jobs every week until I got responses. I didn't have a cell phone for a while.so my resume still had my home phone..which meant my parents could easily ignore the calls or hang up. I felt. unwanted and insufficient. These days, I can't eat for days. Or sleep for fear that I will die in my sleep. Or forget to breathe as I often do.
When I close my eyes, I remember.
I remember blackmail, I remember hospitals, I remember ....nothing, sometimes.
Is it a sin to be alive when it hurts your soul to stay?
I know that, for women, an reaching your peak is apparently a waste of time as it does not help to accomplish anything other than fulfilling our own selfish desires, but sometimes I can't help myself. I don't have as many climaxes as most women I know, but I have had one already this year, and I had 5 last year. I wish to be forgiven for every single one I have ever had, and I will try to remember that only men should get orgasms in the future.
I (m/23) have avenged myself on my girlfriend by playing a mean trick on her. I've been happily together with my girlfriend (22) for eight months and we've lived together for a month. She's really great and the best thing that has ever happened to me. However, she also has a flaw. She loves to play pranks, and I became her favorite victim. Perhaps I should also say that she has four younger siblings and often played pranks on them as a child, like her siblings have told me. At first I thought since I was her boyfriend, I would be spared. But no, she always plays stupid jokes on me, even when my friends or parents visit.
The classic one: Open the door a little bit and put a bucket on the top edge of the door. When someone opens the door, they get wet. Once she embarrassed me in front of her family when she held a cup of water against the ceiling (she stood on a chair) and held a broom under it so that it pressed the cup of water against the ceiling. She told me when I came in – clueless – that I should hold the broom for a minute to measure the height of the ceiling. I was so naïve at that time that I did it immediately. Once I grabbed the broom, she let go and laughed loudly. Her father couldn't stop laughing while her mother just shook her head. I realized too late that I was the butt of a joke again. That was very embarrassing for me and this time I decided to get revenge. First I should say that we always have a lot of foreplay so she always appreciates my cleanliness for that. So a few days ago, I bought two fish at the supermarket, one of which wasn't so fresh anymore. I let her believe that I was going to prepare them for us that evening since it was our anniversary. The fresh fish was very tasty, but then my joke began.
Since I knew that we were going to fool around that night, I took the not-so-fresh fish and rubbed it all over my private parts. When the evening wore on and we started to get it on, she looked at me right in the middle of it and was suddenly disgusted and started holding her nose. Then I said something very stupid which I regretted afterwards. I looked at her grinning and said, "So, how does revenge taste?" She looked at me puzzled. Then I told her what I did and why. Well, the result was stupid. She slapped me and told me that I can do without sex for the next millennium and angrily left the room. In retrospect, I am very sorry and I apologized to her afterwards, but she is still rather upset. It was very idiotic of me to do something like that and yet I wonder why women always manage to make us feel guilty. Why do they have so much damn control over us in terms of sex?