I'm sorry, angel. I killed our baby. You keep saying you are sorry. You keep blaming yourself for the miscarriage. Your body was carrying him (now we know it was a him). But you did nothing to cause this. Yes, you drank. Even after we found out, you kept drinking. You drank to the point you fell down. You took all those pills. I was afraid of the damage you were doing to our baby. I was afraid that I'm so broke I work two jobs and can't pay my mortgage. I was afraid that you kept trying to tell me to leave and let you raise the baby alone. I was afraid you would leave and take my baby. I didn't want to be separated from my baby. I didn't want you to keep putting those poisons into our baby. I didn't want the baby.
You were supposed to be 6 weeks along. I bought the pills from India. They came in the mail. I'd been making you take vitamins, so I just pretended they were the vitamins you had been taking. Thats why I held you so close that night. Because I knew, and you didn't. At six weeks, you would have had a heavy period type bleed and we could start over. At 16 weeks, he was already a whole baby. The paramedics had to collect the tissue from the toilet. I looked in the container. He was tiny and beautiful and looked so wrong to be in that plastic bio-waste bucket. The Doctor told us it was a him. I'm sorry. When you told me how scared you were, I wept because I knew. When you told me you had to break the cord to leave the toilet to call 911, I wept because I knew. When you begged me for forgiveness for losing my son, I wept because I knew. When they asked what name to put on his certificate, you said to honor me, and I wept because I knew. I will never ever tell you. You are my angel. Someday we might be blessed again. You could never forgive me. I hope the Goddess will forgive me. I hope the Goddess will bless us again. I'm sorry angel. I killed our baby.
Posted on 05.03.2011, 22:55:17 CET