I'm 16 years old. I have a serious dependency on prescription pain medication. I've been addicted to Oxycontin since late 2010, when my grandmother and only confidant died of lung cancer. Since she had terminal cancer, she was prescribed large doses of narcotics. I happened to stumble across the leftovers about a week after she passed. I figured that I would just take the pills as an escape and then stop, with no nasty after-effects. At that point, I was depressed and hardly ate anything or slept. I took one of the pills, crushed it, and snorted it. The rush I got was like nothing I've ever felt before, and the next day, I did it again. In about a month, I used up all of the pills and got slight withdrawal pains, and I knew that I needed to find more unless I wanted to get sick. I found a drug dealer who got me the pills for fairly cheap, only $15 a pill, and I bought about $200 worth, which was all that I'd saved up over the past few months. I snorted them or crushed them and put them in my coffee, and I continue to do so. I leave class once or twice a day to go to the bathroom and do drugs. I've gone to school high on numerous occasions, but was never caught. Surprisingly, I've managed to keep this a secret for 2 years, and neither my mother (my parents are divorced) nor any of my friends suspect a thing. However, lately, I feel as if I've hit rock bottom. I've done things I'm not proud of. I went rummaging through a dumpster to find drugs when I ran out of money. I've stolen money from good friends, even though they've never suspected it was me. I slept with a pharmacist for his drugs. A great strain has been placed on my relationship with my mom. And as if none of that was enough, I feel that my grandmother is watching me slowly kill myself. That hurts worse than any of the other things. I just feel that she would be so utterly ashamed of me, and it makes me feel even worse about what I'm doing. It's not as if I've never tried to get sober; I've tried many times, but I end up getting sick and feel like I'm dying. I can't go to detox or rehab without my mother knowing about it. What would I tell her, that I'm going on an extended vacation to Disneyland? My personal best is 5 days drug free, and those were the worst 5 days of my life, let me tell you. I've never told anyone about this aside from the pharmacist I slept with, who could have given a shit either way. I don't know how I became such a monster. I need help, I really do, but I don't want to tell my mother about this. I doubt she'd ever trust or look at me the same way ever again. This is eating away at me, and I feel like I'm not in control of my life, and I'm just a marionette with someone else pulling the strings. I feel like I'm watching from the sidelines, and not all the way there. It's terrible. I feel somewhat better about telling you all this, but I know I can't be completely free until I get professional help. If nothing else, let this be a cautionary tale. I know you've probably all heard, "Don't do drugs" so often that it seems corny, but remember this story when you're thinking about doing something. Don't waste your life away for a short high. When you come down, you feel worse than you did before, and it's not worth it. If you pray, I ask you to pray for me, please. If you don't pray, please keep me in your thoughts. I hope through all this that I can come out on the other side a better person. I know I've got to stop, or this'll kill me. I'll overdose or worse. My grandmother came from a long line of drug addicts. I'm not talking the occasional joint drug addict either. I'm talking pump-your-stomach die-in-your-sleep drug addicts, and I feel that I am disappointing her so greatly. And for the 5 days I was sober, I wasn't even doing it for me. I was doing it for her. My inspiration to stop is my grandmother, and I hope that will be enough to get me out.
Posted on 20.04.2012, 11:45:23 CET